When i flip through magazines or even get on this damn site and see all the pictures of beautiful, skinny women, it is so easy for me to get down on myself. 

I am not a size zero. I’m not even close. I’m not fat, but I’m definitely not what you’d call “skinny”, because these days according to society skinny is, sizes 1-4, (depending on the person). But when I see someone who rarely eats, and is pencil thin, I feel sick. Not jealous. I have friends who are tiny and eat more than even I do. And standing next to them in a bikini has never been my idea of fun. And I’ve gotten cruel messages before about being larger than my friends, or being larger in general and trust me, thats a beat down too. BUT, I’ve figured something out. When you love yourself, when you look in the mirror and say “You know, this is how I look. And it’s not going to change over night. So for today, I’m gonna like it, and I’m gonna think that I’m beautiful”, you will go through the day FEELING beautiful. I used to mess with all these crazy 500 calories a day diets, but I never even felt good when I did them. I’d lose weight but I felt so drained and I almost felt like I cheated. And then I’d over exercise or I’d binge eat one day and hardly eat for the next. I’m healthy now. I eat healthy foods, and watch what I eat but I don’t starve myself. Sure I’d love to lose a couple pounds, who wouldn’t? But I like my body. I don’t have the flattest stomach, or legs that are anywhere near small, but I look like a woman. I have an ass and I have boobs, and I’m not ashamed of that. And no girl should be. 

Be proud of your body. No matter what shape you are. You are beautiful.

I’m 17 going on 18 in about 2 months, and I’m in love. That may come off as naive and maybe even a little dumb to some people. Because I’m just a teenager. And for a while, my views and thoughts about love were really messed up. I was so incredibly confused by it. Because I thought I was in love before, and now I honestly can’t tell you if thats what it was, or just an over obsessive need to be needed and wanted. Thats what confused me. Because I thought I had it figured out. I was 15 and I thought that I was in love, and looking back, I don’t think it was. Sounds pretty ridiculous when I put it that way. I was only 15, right? Yet, it’s only 2 years later, and I’m once again saying I’m in love. So what would always stop me in my tracks to think, what if in a year or two years I look back and think “How stupid was I to believe that I was in love?”, and it would worry me. I didn’t want to make any more mistakes, but my worrying just caused me to screw up even bigger. And so this is what I’ve figured out. Right here, right now, I’m in love. I love this boy more than I thought was even possible. He makes me feel beautiful, and funny, and intelligent. He makes me feel like I can do anything if I want it bad enough. We laugh together, we’ve cried together. We’ve been through more than I can imagine, and I’m not so sure I’d be okay right now if it wasn’t for him. But because of him, I’m more than okay, I’m happy. And no, were not perfect. We’ve had our highs and lows, and even our really lows, but no matter what, we never let our hearts give up. And after all, isn’t that what it’s about? Finding someone who loves you enough to not give up? Now I’m not saying he’s the one, although at this point in time, I wish with all my heart that what we have will last forever. But if not, thats okay. If thats not the plan, then okay. And it will suck when its over, and it will hurt like hell, but I am so incredibly blessed to feel this way and to have someone who feels the same. And so, its okay if its not gonna last forever, because nobody knows whats going to happen. Nobody knows where we’ll all end up. But I’m glad, because if I did know, I might be afraid to love and to live with everything in me. And I know that right here, and right now, I love someone and that someone loves me back. And thats all that really matters today. So I know I wont look back in 2 years thinking what an idiot I was for believing I’m in love. Because I am, and we are and it’s real. And quite honestly, I could not care less what anyone else has to say about it.

Maybe if we all stopped looking for the definition of love in mushy romance quotes, and stopped watching romantic movies, thinking thats how love is supposed to look, THEN we’d be able to look inside our hearts to let love be what it is, not what people sugar coat it to look like. I personally think love is better in real life. We just complicate it. We think it should feel a certain way, look a certain way, but thats not it. I can’t define love for you, as you can’t for me. It’s in our own hearts, and we all feel it and see it differently. 

I’ll leave it at that.

I can’t believe I’ll be 18 this summer. That just seems crazy to me. I feel like it was just yesterday that I started high school. Well not really.. But time flies. It’s kinda sad.

You’ll always be my best friend. No matter what you say, what you do. Whether you like it or not, there’s nothing you could ever do to make me turn away from you. I may get mad at you every once in a while. But that’s just what girls do. I can be completely ridiculous sometimes and say and do things that are completely irrational. But no matter what, I love you. And I want you to be happy, and you’ll always have a huge piece of my heart. You were there for me, when I had absolutely no one, and even though that was a while ago, you’ll never understand how much that meant to me. It’s not easy to find friends like you. I just lucked out. When life gets too hard, just turn to me. I’ll be there the same way you were there for me and still are. I love you st end.

I’m so glad you didn’t let me give up. I’ve missed what we were and what were getting back to now. I feel happy and whole again. I love you.

I just wanted all the drama, all the fighting and jealously to stop.

When did we all become so broken?

I found my old phone. I read through all the texts that were still on there.
I read long, depressing goodbye and a beautiful beginning.

It got me thinking about how much has changed. And how much things are still going to change. As pathetic as I could be at times; taking bullshit I didn’t deserve, and forgiving the wrong people, and just pushing people that cared, so far away, I was actually so much stronger than I am now. I had my heart broken more than half that year, but I still woke up every single morning, and put a smile on my face and forgive everyone and anyone who had done any wrong. I saw the good in everyone and I always felt like there was hope for love and dreams to come true. Somewhere along the road I lost that. I just changed. And I didn’t even notice it. I refuse to follow my heart cause it’s gotten me hurt and hurt pretty bad. I realize, you can’t fix everything. Not everyone is going to like you, and actually a lot of people probably won’t. Playing nice didn’t really get me too far, but being a bitch never has either. Besides that, at least when i did play nice, I never felt bad or guilty.
When I read those texts, I realized I knew myself better back then. Because I knew all I really had was myself, I guess. I truly don’t know. You’d think when you’re happy you’d think more rationally, and positively.
I used to hold myself together pretty damn well if I do say so myself. But now, I fall apart at the drop of a hat. I just really don’t get it. Maybe I’ve let my guard down because I don’t expect anyone to hurt me anymore. I’m not bitter from my past experiences. Hell I don’t even hardly think about them. But I’ve changed. And I just cant figure out when or why. I don’t really know who I am anymore. Or even who I want to be. I just feel lost, out of touch, just flat out confused about everything. Suddenly my perspective of love has changed, on the future has change, the past, everything. It’s all different now. Its all bland and boring. Just flat. I’m not really a dreamer anymore. I feel so uninspired and disconnected. What the hell happened to me.